Tomorrow is going to be Josh’s 1st birthday. It has been a tremendously wonderful experience for me. Seeing my son respond to me and Cherry is a joy that far exceeds the joy that money brings. In his small little ways, he has taught me many precious lessons. Now I can safely say that I understand what the Bible means whenever they make reference to the parent-child analogies to explain how much we mean to God.

Celebrating Josh’s 1st birthday comes at a time when Cherry and I grieve with Tenny and Patrica’s at their loss. They were supposed to have added one more baby to our group but due to unforeseen circumstances, baby Caleb went home to be with the Lord on 28Jan 2009. Somehow, it just seems unfair and cruel for God to take away the soul of one so young, but then again, I’m reminded of Romans 8:28 – And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I’ve learnt through my own trial the God really is in control not only in good times and also the bad. His hand will not lead me where His grace and mercy cannot follow. Tenny and Pat, what we would like to say is that we can only imagine the pain and sorrow that you have experienced. However, God will grant to you the desires of your heart – supernatural healing, comfort and yes, another child. Take heart! God is too wise to be mistaken. He is too good to be unkind. So when you don’t understand, when you can’t see His plan, when you can’t trace His Hand, Trust His Heart!

The journey with Josh for Cherry and me has only just began. With every milestone, every memory, every shapshot of his every changing expressions, we move on. We move on to the next phase with every single small step he takes. I’ve asked myself lately the real meaning of my life. I will never forget holding Josh for the very 1st time. When Dr Esther passed him to me, I remember thanking God for giving us the miracle of life. I also made a promise to myself that I will live to protect this precious one of mine as long as I shall live. Indeed, there were moments of “great” suffering (with his endless crying and booming voice), there were moments of anxiety (when Josh fell from the toilet bowl and the bump was fiercely red and big), but through these moments, he has taught Cherry and myself to trust the Lord more. These moments turn to joy as we watch him grow day by day.

Now that I’m back in Singapore, each night before he sleeps I’ll try to hug him and whisper into his little ear and tell him how much I love him and that he brings joy to my life everyday. I hope he will in time also learn to love me and tell me the words that I want to hear : I love you dad!.

Joshie – Daddy and mummy loves you very much and we’re proud to have you as our son!

 

Seems like a very very long time has passed but it’s been only 23 days into 2009. So much has transpired in this short span of 3 weeks. For starters, I’ve been taking care of my not-so-little and not-so-young-anymore baby – Josh. He’s been a joy and can be a pain too. There has been a death to grapple with also. My eldest paternal uncle passed away on 16Jan due to what doctors have termed “End Stage Renal Failure”. It was an emotional and taxing weekend coming to terms with the brevity of life and our mortality.

Cherry went back to work in the beginning of January. For all it’s worth, I’m actually rather envious of her. Or rather envious of anyone that’s currently working as my current work status should read – non-existent.  Not that I’m complaining, but I would like to go back to work as soon as possible but then again I’ll miss this carefree life once I start work. Sigh, the paradoxes of my life. In general, I’m looking forward to going back to work.

I’ve been busy with planning Josh’s first birthday bash. We met with some obstacles in booking the venue. But all is well, we managed to book the clubhouse in the nick of time. Otherwise baby’s party will have to be held at our house void deck… Just kidding. 

I’ll not be contactable on my mobile from 28Jan to 1Feb. Yes, I’m going back to Yangon. I decided to go back as I wanted to do my staff’s appraisal and say a proper goodbye to all the friends I’ve made in Yangon. True, I’ll not miss the lack of communications in Myanmar, but I’ll surely miss the friends I’ve come to learn to share the suffering with. Cherry and Josh will be coming up for the weekend. After this trip, I don’t think I’d go back to Yangon for quite some time.

Time to go. If my track record is anything to go by, expect my next post to be in the range of weeks/months. =P

Good evening Senior Pastor, Pastors and fellow lighters. My name is Joel and I want to give God the glory for the way that He has brought me through what has to be the biggest crisis of my life.

It all started on the 20^th Sep 2008. I was on a holiday with my wife and friends in Da Nang, Vietnam. On the last day of the trip at around 4pm local time, we were waiting for the taxi to send us to the airport for our flight. As I had contracted a cold on the last day of the trip, my wife walked over to ask me if I was feeling well. As I was thinking and trying to utter the words to my wife, I realized that I could not. All I could say was unintelligible “Ah Ah Ah”. When my church friends realized that I was not joking, they all came around to pray for me. Once the prayer was said, I managed to calm down and my speech was restored to me.

What came to mind was that I had suffered a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) – a mild stroke. I called up my parents who prayed for me both immediately and at the Miracle Service on the same day. I took my flight back to Singapore and made plans to visit the doctor after the 1^st Sunday service the next day. After the Sunday service, I went to visit my family doctor who gave me hypertensive medication and also aspirin. He also took an ECG and the results were positive. I took the first dose of the medication and went to sleep as I was still nursing the flu. After I woke up, around 6.45pm, just as I was about to leave for my parents place for dinner, the same speech attack came. It was also in response to my wife’s questions. My wife then prayed and my speech returned after 10sec. I went on to my parents’ place for dinner and after that, my whole family interceded for me and prayed over my life.

My wife consulted another doctor friend who works in Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) and he advised that I should be admitted immediately. So at 11pm, my brother-in-law and sister drove me to TTSH to be admitted. Before the doctors could attend to me, I experienced what would be the last attack which lasted for 10sec. By the time the hospital got me a bed, it was 3am the next morning. My mother and wife who stayed with me all these while, went back home to rest. Half an hour after they left, the hospital staff wheeled me to the Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) room to do a brain scan. After that, I was wheeled back to my ward. I remembered that I did not have a good night’s rest. After I fell asleep, my heart would start to palpitate suddenly and I would be jerked out of my sleep. This happened at intervals of 15mins. I literally was watching the clock and wished that I could have proper rest. Each time the palpitations happened, I would call the name of Jesus. I just whispered His name until the attack was over.

After a series of tests, they concluded that I had a brain tumour about 3.3 by 4.5cm. It was situated at the left frontal side of my brain. I remembered feeling God’s peace when the doctors told me the shocking news. When I met with my Neurosurgeon, he explained that the mass was a low grade tumour. There were 3 options to take – 1^st option was to do nothing about it, 2^nd option was to do a biopsy which he did not recommend as the tissue sample may not be representative of the whole mass. The 3^rd option, which was his recommendation, was to remove it totally through an awake craniotomy. I chose the 3^rd option, so the surgery was scheduled on the 9 Oct.

While I was praying for God’s healing, I realised that by putting my lot on the operation, I had the easier and more convenient option instead of trusting God for complete healing. I did not have to exercise faith and still be well. Moreover, due to some work considerations, the surgery was a more convenient option. As the date drew nearer, I fell ill again with flu. On 8 Oct 08, I had just recovered from flu with some lingering cough. After the admission, I went through all the MRI scans needed. When the anaesthetist did her checks and found out that I was still coughing, she recommended postponing the surgery as the risk of infection was high. As the checks were done late in the day, my heart was getting more and more concerned about the surgery which was to be done early next morning. When the doctor confirmed that the surgery would be postponed, I was extremely relieved. I realised that God was giving me another chance to put my complete trust in Him for a miracle. Even when I was faithless, He is still faithful and giving me chance after chance. Upon discharge, I determined in my heart that I would seek for His miracle.

Through the weeks of waiting, I’ve learnt to trust Him and learnt other precious lessons on fasting, praying, praising and even resting in His love. The surgery was rescheduled to 6Nov08. I requested for a final MRI scan on 5Nov08. I took faith steps. At the miracle service, when Pastor Rony said to those who have been prayed for to do something you could not do, I will put my hand at the place where the tumour was and do a grabbing action and throw it away. It was a symbolic action that the growth is gone. I also went back with my wife to our Seng Kang flat to clean up in preparation to move back. And by faith, I typed a testimony in line with seeing the invisible and believing and exercising my faith to declare that the MRI scans on 5Nov08 will show that I’ve been cleared of all tumour.

But this was not to be. The MRI scan done on the 5Nov08 showed that the tumour was still there and that I had to go for the operation the next day. My heart was deeply troubled and fear griped me. I was in a state of disbelief that God had seemingly let me down. My faith was somewhat shaken. For the first time, I cried asking God why. My father reminded me that in life’s seemingly tough circumstances that God was always in control and that we don’t rewrite our theology based on tragedy. My mother also reminded me the promise found in Rom 8:28. “And we know that in all things God works together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

I went for surgery on 6Nov. It lasted 9 hours. During the 9 hours, my wife, mother and Aunty Jennifer Aw was outside that operating theatre interceding for me. I knew that the church was also interceding, upholding me in prayer. The operation was a success. The doctors removed 98% of the tumour, tested it and found the tumour to be benign. However, after the surgery, the finer motor skills in the right side of my body were impaired. The depth of the tumour was deep enough to affect the speech centre. As a result, I could process thoughts in my brain but could not articulate what I was thinking after the surgery. This was very frustrating and I found myself increasingly angry with God. I could not understand why He was putting me through all the suffering. Simple task which we take for granted became challenges which I had to overcome.

I remembered when I tried to play the piano for the first time after surgery and found that I could not, I cried. I recorded the song “My Tribute” on the electric piano in my parent’s home before my surgery. I played back the song during one of the mornings. The Lord spoke to me through this song. I was trying to do things my own way, live my life the way I saw fit. I was dictating the terms and conditions of my life, living life for my own purposes. God had to re-teach me lessons that I’ve learnt when I was younger. Faith, trust in His unfailing love, rekindling my first love for Him were things I had to relearn. I recommitted my life anew and placed Him back in the throne of my heart.

Doctors have commented that my rate of recovery has been very fast. I regained most of the finer motor skills in the right side of my body and I would say that my speech is almost 100% recovered. I thank God for the miraculous rate of recovery He has given me. 

At this juncture, I would like to state my appreciation to the people who have made a difference during this trial.

1)      To my wife – who stood by me and showed me our marriage vows in real action. I love you dear.

2)      To my parents and siblings – whose love and concern showed me the real meaning of blood is thicker than water. Each of your prayers each week on Sunday evening during our family prayer time touched my heart.

3)      To my parents and sister in law – Thanks for your prayers and for looking after Josh my baby son when Cherry was staying with me in the hospital

4)      To Pastor Rony, Pastors and the staff of Lighthouse Evangelism, Uncle Johnson and all the staff at the M&D office – For praying alongside with me and for showering me with concern.

5)      To the countless gospelighters who prayed for me at the Miracle Service and visited me at the hospital

6)      Last but not least I would like to thank God for His unfailing love.

To God be the glory for the things that only He can do.

I was listening to lots and lots of praise and worship music to help get into the right frame of mind. There is this passage in the album in “God For Us” that particularly ministered to me time and time again. I thought that I would like share it with anyone who is going through periods of trial and testing.

The longer I walk with Him, the more amazed I become with the seemingly ever expanding dimensions of God’s love for us. Of course He isn’t become more loving, for the greatness of His person is unchanging. He IS Love. But as I have moved through the decades of life with Jesus, I can’t describe the joy that comes from discovering more and more of His love all the time. The goodness we sing about isn’t simply a happy time thrill when things are going well, nor is it only just for crisis when we receive those tough time assist from God for our struggles or pain. Yes, there are happy times and His loving goodness gives them. And certainly there is a special grace for hard times, when God’s love comes shining through beyond the trial, to shower the glory of His presence, in a way that heals hurts and comforts us in sorrow. There are a thousand facets to life, and for each one, there is an answering facet of God’s great love. And it’s ALWAYS good. He’s always there, always for us, always able. So that, whenever we deal with questions or concerns, whatever comes or goes, or however much time passes and the answer is not immediately apparent, still His word speaks saying: “What shall we say to these things, if God be for us, who or what can be against us. We are more than conquerors through Him who loves us. And I am persuaded, that neither life nor death, angels or dark powers, things present or future things high or low, there is not any created thing that shall ever be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Yesterday, something wonderful happened. I wish I could express when happened here but what happened is difficult to narrate. But save to say that He made Himself very very real to me yesterday. As 5Nov draws nearer and nearer, I’ll have to lean to Him more and more. I know that in myself, I can never make it but in God, I have full confidence.

Ever since the 22Sep08, I think that I’ve cried more times than I’ve cried in my entire life. Tears that most people don’t see but only God sees. I think that tears are really therapeutic and most definitely are God’s way of helping to cope with our emotions. I cry not because I’m fearful but mainly because of realizing the “bigness” of our God and the “smallness” of my human nature. I realize that praise and worship music helps me focus on thanking God. Thanking God seems to be the last thing on our minds if one is in my shoes. But it is a command and I would like to shout to the world that I’m giving thanks that even in this situation I still have Him. He is for me and I can trust Him.

I was thinking to myself if not for this situation I would still be in Yangon and living life as I normally would. Because of this, He has helped me moved on to another level of faith with Him and I can really now say that God is my refuge and my shelter, my very present help in times of trouble.

The nicest birthday present would be God’s gift to me and I’ve been thanking Him for it although my eyes have not seen it yet. It would be great to finally see it on 5Nov… =) But then again the greatest blessing He has given to me is the love of my family and for that, I’m eternally grateful.

Have been deposted to Singapore. Have been listening to lots of music in my spare time. This song just stood out above the rest……

Calvary’s love will sail forever
Bright and shining, strong and free
Like an ark of peace and safety
On the sea of human need

Through the hours of all the ages
Those tired of sailing on their own
Fin’lly rest inside the shadow
Cast by Calvary’s love across their souls

Calvary’s love, Calvary’s love
Priceless gift Christ makes us worthy of
The deepest sin can’t rise above
Calvary’s love

Calvary’s love can heal the Spirit
Life has crushed and cast aside
And redeem til Heaven’s promise
Fills with joy once empty eyes
So desire to tell His story
Of a love that loved enough to die
Burns away all other passions
And fed by Calvary’s love becomes a fire

Calvary’s love, Calvary’s love
Priceless gift Christ makes us worthy of
The deepest sin can’t rise above
Calvary’s love

Calvary’s love has never faltered
All its wonders still remain
Souls still take eternal passage
Sins atoned and heaven gained

It’s been a long time since I’ve updated this blog. So much has changed in the short span of 2 months. I’ve become a father on the 11Feb08. Josh came ino the world at a good time of 1359hr and weighed 6.6 pounds (2.89kg). I remember looking into his eyes and saying to myself that this is my son. I know that he has been created for great things. Just looking into his adorable eyes gives me joy.

 To my little Josh, daddy misses you and wishes he could hug and kiss you and just hold you in his arms. You just keep growing and I’ll be back soon.

 

This was shared at my church and I thought that it was really true in all it’s worth. It’s taken from a hymn written by Charles Wesley.

“Faithful to my Lord’s commands,
I still would choose the better part;
Serve with careful Martha’s hands,
And loving Mary’s heart”

I’ve come to realise that sleep is one of God’s special way of helping me cope with stress and loneliness. Have you ever woken up from a really deep sleep and felt so refreshed with the confidence to meet all of life’s challenges? Well, that was how I felt. I feel like a million tons has been lifted off my shoulders. Really want to thank God for His peaceful rest and sleep.

I did not set any resolutions this year (well except - to reduce my weight by faithful exercise and healthy eating). I’ve been doing some really hard soul searching since the beginning of the year. Seeking His face to pave the way and to light the path to the next step. I wondering if I should step up my commitments in Yangon when I know that this posting is not permanent. Barbara (my Yangon Church Pastor’s wife) was sharing with me on how she is doing some basic life and work skills workshop on Saturday afternoon. She is in need to facilitators to conduct the workshops in smaller groups and the size of the class is growing. She asked if I would be interested to help out. It is good way to reach out to the non-Christians in Yangon. Something is tugging in my heart to do so, but the flesh is not willing to sacrifice the Saturday afternoons. I’m going to visit this coming Saturday to see if this is something that I want to do, cause if I commit I have to go full steam ahead and there’s no turning back. Maybe I’ve been placed here in Yangon for such a time as this to touch even if it is to touch one soul, I would have fulfilled my calling here in Yangon. Well, praying hard if this is the right direction to take. Do pray along with me for clearer direction in this aspect of ministry. I shared with Barbara that I led the Speedlight musicians that is why she feels that I would be able to adept. Well, let’s see.

However, I still know that my special calling is in the area of music. Nothing connects me better that worshipping Him in praise and song. Even a simple song can still bring me to tears when in deep worship. I just love worshipping in song as it how He has created me. There just this joy bursting forth when I sing and worship Him. That’s just that. That is why I sing.

“Just to feel Your arms around me,
Just to know Your grace has found me.
Just to hear your voice surround me,
Calling my name.
Just to stand beside You knowing,
Promised that You’re never going
Never leaving, always holding
Holding my hand

That is why I live, that is why I move.
That is why my heart cannot go on without You.
That is why I sing, that is why I cry
That is why no other love but You will satisfy
That is why”

No, I’m not dead in Yangon, though sometimes I do feel that way after every day. It’s been only 21 days into the new year and I’m dreading it already. I’m not sure why but that’s the case here. Today has been a very vexing day and sometimes it would seem like the labour in Yangon is in vain. Business is still doing fine currently. We’ve managed a record for Dec07 both in revenue earning and also head count. I’m still reeling from shock at all the developments that has transpired in the last 8 hours.

1) Instead of 2 courses a year, overseas managers are given only 1 course a year. Talk about discrimination. The executives in Singapore all got their 2 courses but we stationed overseas have been seen to be coming back to Singapore too often so they are going to cut the number of courses that we are entitled to attend. It’s not really the courses that we crave but the time we get to come back to Singapore without having to touch our precious annual leave.

2) Day Off In Lieu of working on public holidays have to be cleared on the same calendar month and cannot be brought forward or accumulated. Obviously another attempt to keep us back at stations.

3) All leave approvals and staff travel advice must be copied to our VP. Not sure what is going on with them. As if our VP’s mailbox is not already loaded that he needs more emails from us on our leave and travel advice.

As the day draws to a close, I’m tempted to stay angry and upset with all the HR policies and that been changed today. However, I’m trying to look at the bright side of things. I must look at the bright and positive if I’m to keep my sanity here in Yangon where things don’t always look so rosy.

Well, that my day in a nutshell. But I’m now deliberately switching to more positive events in the first 21days of 2008. Well, I got to spend mom’s birthday back in Singapore. My sis got to booking all the lunch details and I was just there to surprise her and surprise her I did. She was elated I suppose. I noticed that Jerica is warming up to me. That’s a good thing I guess as I remembered her not being so “used” to me in May07 when I first returned from Yangon from the 1st 7 weeks of posting.

Cherry and Josh are doing fine. We are looking forward to his arrival next month. Do pray for us. As you know that annual leave is so scarce, I’ve got to leverage as much as I can this Chinese New Year period. Josh has got to be delivered by the 8Feb08. So friends, please pray that he will engage a week before and come into the world obediently on the 8Feb08. (Just in case you are thinking that Josh’s parents are superstitious with the “fa”, it’s not that)

I’ve dusted off the dirt and dust and oiled my rusty fingers… I started playing the piano in the music ministry in Yangon. After playing, I realised that I do miss playing the piano on Sundays. Even though my Sundays in the past were the busiest days of my life, at least I knew that the things I did counted for eternity. Praise God that I’m able to serve Him again in this special area which always never fails to touch my heart – Worship.

I’m questioning the reasons to stay in this current job. Cherry has been asking me to consider another job based in Singapore. I’ve been looking at the recruit section faithfully every Saturday but I’m still not liking what I’m seeing. Nothing strikes me and there’s nothing in there that compels me to write in and send my CV. But, the reality of my family is always there. The distance can be frustrating. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my wife and family. Some told me that it gets easier with each posting, but I’m not sure how that’s suppose to work.

It’s hard to stay positive considering the circumstances. Sigh. So here I am back again at the same place with the same questions but still without any concrete answers. I guess that when you fall flat on your face, that’s when you realise that you should have been on your knees… What’s going to be my next wake up call? Don’t worry, I’ll survive… Just need to get my bearings again. Please hold my hand and guide me as I walk on Lord.

“So I lift my eyes to You, Lord.
In Your strength will I breakthrough, Lord.
Touch me now, let Your love fall down on me.
I know Your love dispels all my fears.
Though the storm I will hold on Lord
AND BY FAITH I WILL WALK ON LORD.
Then I’ll see, beyond my Calvary one day,
And I will be complete in You.”